Breaking walls.

When people get hurt, they "build" a wall around their hearts hoping that they will be able to keep their heart secured and try their best in making sure that their heart won't get broken again. Well at least they try or rather at least we all try to do that. But I am quite sure that all of us realise that, it is almost impossible to prevent hurt unless you are a robot or a heartless person. Getting hurt is a very painful process and it takes a long time to recover but it all depends on the human being of course. Recently I realise that I have been neglecting some people that I have been close with almost all my life and it caused a lot of damage in our relationship. I tried to repair our relationship but then I realise that it's a little to late cause the damage has been done. It really feels as if they have slipped away from your life and they remove you from theirs. Why does this happen? And what am I suppose to do now? Everytime I try talking to that person, she just shuts me off. Avoids answering my question and I know there are so many things going on in her life that she wants to tell me about. So many things are going on but I don't know a thing. I can't even talk to her anymore. Those walls around her heart are just too high and I can't get in. Suddenly I feel so left aside, and there are so many thoughts in my brain but I just can't let it out. This blog is all I have and this is the only place I can say what I want to say without feeling the need to twist my words in order to not offend anyone. And this is one of the reason why I changed my link again. Everyone keeps telling me "ai-li talk to her" and I feel like screaming back to them cause I tried, I really really tried but she doesn't let me in. The gap is getting bigger every second and there is no way to overcome that. Right now, I dunno what to feel, I dunno what to say. I don't even know where I stand in her heart anymore. What's going to happen to us? I don't know. All I can say now is I don't know anything at all. Nobody understands except for God of course. I am tired, I really am and all these things are just making me more tired. And misery just carries on. Goodnight everyone.

All by myself.

I am finally back into updating my blog since I got some readers following. AHAHA (= oh I am just kidding. But yea, I am back to updating my bloggie again so stick with me while I bring you through the most boring days of my life and the funnest days of my life. Oh back to the story relating to my title. First of all, Kir-ly, Nantanaa and Sarah ( note that the names are in alphabetical orders) came over for 3 days and 2 nights. Well they are back home safely and I am sure that they miss the sleepover just as much as I do. But I guess my neighbours are glad that its over after having to hear girls screaming and giggling all night. Ahaha but on the other hand the girls brought noise into my house which is something I miss, I must say. Haha (: Gone are the days where this house was so full until you fight with each other to use the toilet. Right now, I don't have to fight with anyone for the toilet and I got a room all to myself and 3 other rooms but somehow I wish that we could go back to those days where the house was overflowing with people. Ahaha. I guess human beings are all like that, always hoping for something else. But yet I thank the Lord for blessing me with everything I have right now and I am satisfied with whatever He blesses me with. Goodnight people and Gbu (:

Camp 2009.

After a few months of planning and all the excitement, the camp is finally over. Thank god it didn't turn out lame and we had lots of fun torturing the youths this year. Sadly the guest pastor we invited couldn't make it due to some difficulties but it wasn't that bad.Well currently I am sittting here surfing the net and facebooking after 3 days of no internet.Basically looking for things and getting updates about everything has made me realise that I really miss the camp alot. So much that I would give up my internet connection and spend more time with the youth. Although somethings didn't go as planned but I believe we enjoyed each others company. This is our first year organising a camp and hopefully next year's camp would be better. God has blessed us throughout this camp and we had fun, a lot of fun. Well we shall carry on with our lives and look forward to the next camp. Time to go cheer myself up and feel more alive now. Tata (:

It's too soon.

Nantanaa is leaving Ausmat and tomorrow is her last day with us. She is a good friend and we just bonded instantly in a short period of time. So many friends are planning to leave Ausmat and that makes me feel like leaving too. It's only another 4 more months minusing all the holidays and study leave. Everyday we are getting closer to the end of the program but yet so many are leaving. It just ruins everything. This sucks, really sucks. Nandy, you have been a terrific friend and it breaks our heart to know that tomorrow is your last day with us. I know we haven't been friends for a long time but you know what this 5 months of friendship seems like we have known each other since forever and this is a friendship that I will cherish for life. You made me fall in love with you and you made an impact in our lives. We will never forget you and I hope you will never forget us. This world definitely needs a friend like you and I have been blessed by God to have an opportunity to have shared this wonderful 5 months with you. God bless you and may the path you take after this, be a path that will lead you to success. Amen. P/s you will always be in my prayer.

How do you let go?

Last year, I worked on a play for the Christmas presentation but I left it with her to complete it. But when I saw the play today after such a long time, I felt a certain sore in my heart like after I left she took over the play, changed some scene and added on some stuff. I felt like someone stole a whole chunk of my life, replaced me for that brief period I was gone. She took him and the play away from me. I don't hate her instead I love her but it just stings a little and I can't help it. Cause every time I look at a video seeing them together, it still kills me a little inside. Don't like him no more but the damage has been done and nothing can change that fact. I feel like screaming at him with these words " You killed me the day you chose her over me". Why do I feel like screaming those words, I dunno. I feel nothing when I see him now or maybe I have been living in denial but honestly even if I had feelings for him now, I would bury it deep deep down and forget it no matter what. I will never like him again because she owned him once and I can't never live with that fact that he was once hers. Help me explain this even I can't figure this out.

Oh boy, I'm in a very big mess (: